Joel

The film ended and we started talking.

I sat on the footstool next to him as he lay on the sofa, and I laid with my head on his stomach while he lay on his back. The both of us facing the ceiling.

I had already decided where this was going, I just had to figure out how I was going to make it happen.

I started talking to Joel about a month ago, which was about a month after I broke up with Jake. It was one of those chance things. I was passing Derby on a coach as I was going into my Grindr app to delete my profile and be rid of the orange demon.

I just didn't get why I'd downloaded it again, it was just full of bad decisions waiting to happen and I was tired the same old profiles, with the same motives and forced conversation. Which of course inevitably leads to the Shakespearean classic:

"You top or bottom?"

Forget that. I was all for moving on but lets face it; I'm not 19 anymore.

As I opened the app I heard the all too familiar clicking alert.

A guy had messaged me, his personal description read

"3 things I know about you. 1. You can't touch touch your elbow with your chin. 2. You are trying it now and failing. 3. Now you're smiling =)"

Joel.

He started speaking to me and I half heartedly answered him. He was a decent looking guy and I had to admit his description was at least a little different to the normal jargon (for the record mine says "New to grindr, say hi! =)") but I just couldn't be bothered, I'd resigned myself to the notion nobody was really going to get me. So whats the point.

He persisted though. He joked about my slow responses and we talked about Family Guy and American Dad. We quickly discovered that not only do we have lots of interests in common but we also have the same sense of humour (something me and Jake did NOT share). He had interesting questions and gave interesting answers. We just talked.

At this point I just liked talking to him. We talked from the early evening till 4 in the morning, easily with no forced conversations. It just flowed. I kept worrying we were going to run out of stuff to talk about but it just kept happening. More and more things in common. More and more shared histories, ideals, theories, jokes, love of steak...

There's an amazing steakhouse in Nottingham and after two weeks of this 4am madness he asked if we could go. I agreed and we decided to meet.

6pm the date commenced and it was effortlessly filled with unabridged conversation. We talked till 4am, long after both of our buses had stopped and all the bars had closed down. Both having to get taxis to get ourselves home.

I'd had an amazing time.

The next two weeks were filled with casual dates, meeting talking sharing. But no sex.

No 'frappage'

No kiss.

Just talking.

We were getting along better than I ever have with anyone I've dated. Speaking to him I felt like I'd discovered an old friend, like we were catching up.

Spending time with him didn't feel like effort, nor did I feel like I was on a date. To the point where I questioned if we were just going to be friends.

If it wasn't for the fact that I would find myself looking a little too long after him when he walked away or staring into this eyes (blue... SO BLUE!) a little too deeply I probably would have found it hard to know if I fancied him at all.

Two weeks, four dates later he invited me to his house. We'd made a list of films we both want to watch together and the first on the list is Scary Movie (we've both seen it but wanted to watch it again)

After it ended and he'd shown me more of his photos from America (he loves photography) and told me his stories of camp (he worked on an American soccer camp) in the dimmed light of the end of the film I knew that I wanted to kiss him.

He had started playing with my hair while he was talking, both of us staring upward. When my stool, due to the angle I was reclined, began to slide away from the sofa.

"Sorry I'm slipping"

I sat upright and shuffled my chair back and caught his eye in the dim blue glow from the TV.

I leaned over to him.

And we kissed.

I had worried that everything would change after that moment

That things might become different, or that our conversations would dry up or that we would discover that we should just be friends.

I definitely had nothing to worry about.

The rest of the week went amazingly, I spent the night and we went for walks, he showed me how to take pictures with his professional camera.

I unwound.

And all is good!

I mean it's really hard to keep this up to date because I'm always travelling and very rarely have my computer with me!

I think this experience has been so refereshing and has made me recognise that up until now I've just been selling myself short.

I've realised that I am allowed to have the kind of relationship that I want. That I shouldn't be settling for anything less than happiness in a relationship where I am being myself and presenting myself honestly and wholly.

I think it's time I stopped overthinking and started following my heart.

UGH sorry it's been so long!

Sam In Real Life