Ending Understanding

SO this is how the story goes...

I feel like during the time that I've been writing the two blogs I have proven time and time again that I am a drastic over-thinker. Sometimes to the detriment of my emotional wellbeing!

I think I should start this by saying that the relationship I've had with Jake over the past 18 months has been, by far the best and most healthy relationship I've ever had. Certainly for the first 13 of them I can wholeheartedly say that it has brought me into a healthy headspace.

It's allowed me to share myself with my family and having someone who can support me during the madness of the music progress at the moment has been wonderful. I've learned to let down the wall and seen the benefit of having a 'boyfriend', sharing your intimate moments with someone (which probably why i didn't need the blog as much). I love it.

Loved it.

Jake has ALWAYS been a busy guy. Between running the SCUBA club at uni and Medical School and the long distance relationship (in Feb we lived 7 hours apart on the coach!) slotting his life together was like playing a game of Tetris.

The problem was Jake is the kind of person that cannot multitask and when something is on his mind it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to focus on ANYTHING else. Which meant our Skype conversations, which eventually decreased until we were speaking for 5 mins each day (which again was fine) but during which he would be emailing, answering calls. He just couldn't give the time.

But I understood.

By March it was unbearable, he was irritable, even innocent suggestions like; 

'Why don't you go for a walk for a bit to refresh your head' 

met with snappy responses like 

'Whatever... I haven't got time'.

Mid March I snapped.

"You need to find a way to better handle your stress! Your way doesn't work. If things don't change I don't think I will be able to take this anymore."

He apologised. He changed his behaviour for a week or two. Still short Skype conversations but at least undivided attention.

but by week 3, a fortnight before his dissertation was due to be handed in, it had gone back to how it was.

But I understood.

His stress was building. I offered to leave him alone a few days so he could just have his own headspace (and give me some freedom from the firing line) but he declined. He didn't say but deep down I knew he needed a sounding board. Otherwise he'd break down.

April I moved to Birmingham. 2 hours away. Made time to go and see him for a few days, a lot of waiting around while he had dive meetings and so on, but we had fun.

But even AFTER the dissertation was finished he booked up all his free time with dive club and scheduled two days to come and see me smack bang in the middle. The first time he had made time to come up to see me since January.

Of course he had to bring work with him. But he was so wrapped up in it he was one word answering me to any questions I had about what he was doing or how he was feeling and to top it all over seven days had passed since he last asked me how I was (I had been counting).

We had sex, but not like normal. Before it would be intimate, but this kind of felt like 'stress-sex'. He would only stop typing on the laptop long enough to let off some 'steam' and within seconds of it being over would get his phone out and check what emails he had missed in the brief moments he had been 'off the clock'.

But I understood.

I suggested going out to eat to get him away from the laptop and he reluctantly agreed, taking his registration forms for the divers out with him "incase they ring so I can tick them off". But even when sat outside the pub in the sun, he couldn't relax. He didn't ask me how I was and secretly I think it was because he was scared of what I might say. Either that or he was genuinely oblivious to how I felt. Which is much worse.

We went to eat and we talked a little, again about his work and my family logistics (my parents are going through divorce). After finishing the meal he turned to me and looked at my t-shirt. It's white and has the phrase "BLAH BLAH BLAH I'm just here for the ride" written across an image of a pier at sunset.

"What do you think about what it says on your t-shirt?"

I look down. I look up, I'm relieved to be talking about something other than work, but still I'm a little confused.

"Erm... I dunno. I think its the kind of mentality that I wish I had. Sometimes I think I obsess about where everything is going all the time, when I should probably enjoy the journey more"

"Hmm.. okay"

Why?

"What do you think?"

"I just think THAT mentality is the reason why there is so many people on jobseekers."

He looks off to the right of me into the ether of the restaurant bustle.

This time I didn't understand.

I put in all my logical energy and arguments to explain to him why and how people ended up on jobseekers allowance (its a benefit given by the government to people out of employment that are searching for a job. It's usually about £50 a week. Not enough to live on, but could probably keep someone going for a bit in a desperate hitch). But he wouldn't budge.

He refused to accept that anyone on jobseekers could be respected, regardless of time on JSA, and claimed that the majority of people on it were just being lazy and 'sponging off the government'.

Which led onto a discussion about benefits in general.

"What about child benefit?"

"What about it? I say if you cant't finically support your own children either learn how to use contraception or abort."

It was shocking me. Worse it was hurting me.

How had I managed to be dating someone so close mindedly conservative. Without any evidence or experience of what he was hammering on about?! Was he aware that he was slagging off decent people? People who were down on their luck, or just needed a little extra help.

How could a gay student be SO closed minded?!

How was I only just discovering this is how he felt?!

In that moment I flashed back through all of the similar, less alarming conversations that we had in the past. Deep down. I'd known this about him. I had just ignored it.

The worst thing was realising that it all made sense. I understood how he got there.

I just wasn't okay with it.

And recognising I wasn't okay with that made me more aware of what else I wasn't okay with.

I wasn't okay with being neglected, I wasn't okay with being some submissive, house bunny, waiting to hear about his day and not getting asked about my own. I wasn't okay with the bottom shelf.

I wasn't okay.

I took a week to reach my decision. I thought about it hard. But I'd realised that this, much like his view of the world, was something that wasn't going to change. It was part of his nature.

If he can't change and I don't like it. Somebody's going to end up unhappy.

and so, on the 5th of June. I decided to end it.

I braced myself, and told him over Skype (not ideal, but I couldn't afford to go down and it took me all day just to convince him to give me time enough for a Skypecall!)

I knew he was going to be shocked. He was going to take it badly. He was going to be angry. He was going to be sad. He was probably going to want to bargain with me, ask which hoop to jump through. 

He was probably going to hate me.

But I understood.

On reflection we've had great relationship. All things considered it's been great for us both. But this is exactly why I didn't want to end up dragging it through the dirt to point we would hate each other. I think he kind of gets that now. I'm beginning to feel lighter and better each day!

Of course I have a lot of residual emotion to deal with; but hey...

What are blogs for? ;)

Sam In Real Life.