The L Word

There's nothing quite like a drunken phone call.

We were 2 months into our relationship when Jake started calling me on the walk home from his SCUBA socials. Wednesday nights at 2 am, listening to him attempt to engage in regular conversation with me on the stumble home from the pub.

I was laughing at him slur through the details of his evening.

This was the type of conversation I generally didn't mind being woken up for; partly because he is his most cute when catastrophically drunken and partly because it meant I had ammunition for the next time I was mocked for being in a similar state.

"Well, I'd better go... Yeah I better go cos I think I'm starting to sound.... drunk"

I laughed.

"Yeah... okay!"

"I'm so sorry...Love you though"

"That's fine haha, I'll speak to you tomorrow!"

"(stumbles through door) Okay, Niiiiiiight"

It takes until I have put my phone back on to charge before I realised what he said.

Was that serious?

Probably not.

A few days later and he's out for his friends birthday. He rings me from the takeaway.

This time I was actually asleep.

"Jake it's 4 in the morning!"

"Shit; sorry! night Sam Sam Sammy Sam Saaaam... Love you *mwah*"

"Okay night *mwah* I'll ring you tomorrow okay?; enjoy your takeaway"

There it was again?

I should probably explain myself a little here.

In my past relationships I have always said it first. When I felt it of course. I make a point of saying it; letting them know how I feel. I lay it out plain and simple "I think I love you".

No confusion. No misinterpretation.

Blunt.

What was confusing me about Jake was that he was so casually dropping it in to conversation. Like it wasn't really that big a deal.

Maybe he didn't mean it in the serious way; perhaps it was more "I have love for you" than "I'm IN love with you"?

(When did I get so much oestrogen? Jeez!)

The following Wednesday and he was out on the SCUBA social.

I got the drunken call again. This time he was acting funny.

The conversation was stinted and he was all grumpy. Not rude, just moody for some reason.

"So did you have a good time?!"

"Yeah it was fun, we played some games."

"Are you reeeally battered?!"

"Nah, to be fair I was a little tired."

I'm not very good at ignoring it.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"What. Is. Wrong?"

He pauses.

"Well, If we were on the wavelength I thought we were I thought you would know..."

Of course I know. I'm a dickhead.

"Is this about the conversation we had the other day?"

"...mmm"

"Is it about the Love you thing?"

Silence.

"I'm sorry I didn't realise you were serious... I just thought you were being casual, like joking or ...."

I ramble on.

As I continue I can hear how ridiculous I sound. I mean what did I expect from him? To get down on one knee and have it written in the sky?

He said it didn't he?

I was thinking about it.

"...I'm sorry.... I do love you too."

Oh shit. There it was. I'm surprised how easy it sounded. I hadn't really thought about how I felt about him properly; but there it was.

I was getting a little nervous at the thought;

"Hallelujah! He finally says it!"

I laugh.

I've said before; I always hold men at arms length. It doesn't surprise me that its taken this long to get comfortable with a guy; I've never given them a chance.

I always come up with excuses to not be vulnerable and in a way perhaps its why I like to see it in the people I date; it assures me they aren't infallible.

Insecurity is a treacherous thing.

But I've done it now. I'm open to care. I'm open to attack.

Now to stay sane...


Sam