The L Word

There's nothing quite like a drunken phone call.

We were 2 months into our relationship when Jake started calling me on the walk home from his SCUBA socials. Wednesday nights at 2 am, listening to him attempt to engage in regular conversation with me on the stumble home from the pub.

I was laughing at him slur through the details of his evening.

This was the type of conversation I generally didn't mind being woken up for; partly because he is his most cute when catastrophically drunken and partly because it meant I had ammunition for the next time I was mocked for being in a similar state.

"Well, I'd better go... Yeah I better go cos I think I'm starting to sound.... drunk"

I laughed.

"Yeah... okay!"

"I'm so sorry...Love you though"

"That's fine haha, I'll speak to you tomorrow!"

"(stumbles through door) Okay, Niiiiiiight"

It takes until I have put my phone back on to charge before I realised what he said.

Was that serious?

Probably not.

A few days later and he's out for his friends birthday. He rings me from the takeaway.

This time I was actually asleep.

"Jake it's 4 in the morning!"

"Shit; sorry! night Sam Sam Sammy Sam Saaaam... Love you *mwah*"

"Okay night *mwah* I'll ring you tomorrow okay?; enjoy your takeaway"

There it was again?

I should probably explain myself a little here.

In my past relationships I have always said it first. When I felt it of course. I make a point of saying it; letting them know how I feel. I lay it out plain and simple "I think I love you".

No confusion. No misinterpretation.

Blunt.

What was confusing me about Jake was that he was so casually dropping it in to conversation. Like it wasn't really that big a deal.

Maybe he didn't mean it in the serious way; perhaps it was more "I have love for you" than "I'm IN love with you"?

(When did I get so much oestrogen? Jeez!)

The following Wednesday and he was out on the SCUBA social.

I got the drunken call again. This time he was acting funny.

The conversation was stinted and he was all grumpy. Not rude, just moody for some reason.

"So did you have a good time?!"

"Yeah it was fun, we played some games."

"Are you reeeally battered?!"

"Nah, to be fair I was a little tired."

I'm not very good at ignoring it.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"What. Is. Wrong?"

He pauses.

"Well, If we were on the wavelength I thought we were I thought you would know..."

Of course I know. I'm a dickhead.

"Is this about the conversation we had the other day?"

"...mmm"

"Is it about the Love you thing?"

Silence.

"I'm sorry I didn't realise you were serious... I just thought you were being casual, like joking or ...."

I ramble on.

As I continue I can hear how ridiculous I sound. I mean what did I expect from him? To get down on one knee and have it written in the sky?

He said it didn't he?

I was thinking about it.

"...I'm sorry.... I do love you too."

Oh shit. There it was. I'm surprised how easy it sounded. I hadn't really thought about how I felt about him properly; but there it was.

I was getting a little nervous at the thought;

"Hallelujah! He finally says it!"

I laugh.

I've said before; I always hold men at arms length. It doesn't surprise me that its taken this long to get comfortable with a guy; I've never given them a chance.

I always come up with excuses to not be vulnerable and in a way perhaps its why I like to see it in the people I date; it assures me they aren't infallible.

Insecurity is a treacherous thing.

But I've done it now. I'm open to care. I'm open to attack.

Now to stay sane...


Sam

Flash Forward

My God it's embarassing how long I've been away

I guess I've been out there doing what I imagine most people do when they just come out...

Enjoy it!

Instead of updating you on every detail I'm just going to talk about the current situation and continue from here... adding updates if necessary (Hopefully this will minimise the length of my posts...)

After the Red Herring incident I dated pretty unsuccessfully into August, but then due scheduling (music and last year of university... argh!) up to November last year I hadn't really been going on dates.

A week into November I started meeting up with this guy (A director, I showed him round Leeds on his first day here... He invited me back to his... etc.) but this was an entirely physical relationship... A similar situation to the way it was with Alex

However after a week of him pestering me to go and take part in some random orgy I decided it was probably time to stop. I don't think I was being honest with myself; I'm not built for long term NSA fun (by this point I'd still never had sex with a guy).

Saturday night on the bar, one of our regular customers, Steve, approached me as I was clearing some tables.

"Sam, You're single aren't you?"

I nodded. He stepped to the side and pointed to a guy sat two tables over next to Steve's girlfriend. He was in full flow conversation unaware we were both looking back at him

"What do you think about him?"

Short blonde hair, slightly muscular build and blue eyes. Really blue.

"Yeah, nice" I nodded "Why?"

"Well he's gay and, don't say I said anything but, he thinks your fit"

I wasn't used to this. Steve was a regular, but we normally discussed the films playing on the bar screens or the latest episode of Heroes... I don't ever remember telling him I dated guys...

"Oh right..." I smiled

"I reckon you should go talk to him"

"Haha - You're drunk Steve"

I declined. I was at work. And frankly tired of chasing/being chased politics. If this guy was even interested; Steve is pretty much the straightest guy I know so I wasn't going to instil much faith in his gay matchmaking.

Of course this meant that everytime I passed their table I found myself sneaking looks at the guy.

He was funny (Steve and Lisa were both laughing), He seemed normal (T-shirt, jeans, no 'scene' branding anywhere) He made eye contact.

It was brief but flirty, the kind of look that holds a conversation. It made me a little nervous.

I smiled and carried on walking past...

...UGH

I got on with my job. At the end of the night he came up to me as I walked out on the floor

"Hi"

"...Hi"

"My friend Steve just told me that..."

"He ratted you out??" I smiled

"Yeah..." He laughed. Really nice smile... framed by dimples... ARGH!

He introduced himself; Jake

"I don't want you to think I've been too scared to talk to you, its just I'm up visiting Lisa from Bristol and I go home tomorrow..."

"When do you go?"

"Early afternoon"

We exchanged numbers anyway. We ended up arranging to have a breakfast date (Which nearly killed me having been up till 6am working!)

He was a student, training to be a doctor. He SCUBA dived in his free time and has the intention of becoming a doctor for deep sea divers and submarines in the Navy. (which explained his build...)

He was doing a calendar shoot in Bristol for the lifeboats charity that afternoon (which is why he would have to leave) and the following week intended to run the 'Hell Runner Marathon'... (Which explained the runner legs)

We had breakfast, which lead to visiting the German Christmas Market (Where he explained he was half German himself) we walked round town, by the river, back up his car. We talked for this entire duration, uninterrupted.

"What time did you say you had to go?"

"We I was supposed to leave at 1"

It was now 3.30... Shit...

"But I knew I was running over... " He smiled.

The date ends with a hug. Awkward. But it seemed too perfect to ruin with a kiss. The hug said more. I don't really know how but it did.

I walk home smiling, reliving the epic conversation.

He loves to travel, he SCUBA dives, he speaks russian and above all;

He's nice guy.

Not manic depressive (Mike), Not closeted (Ollie). Not angry at the world (Chris). Not overly vindictive (Mark). Or overly sensitive (Josh).

Just honest, independent and a little vulnerable.

That's always been the winning combination.

We kept our relationship going through Skype. Speaking every single day, without fail.

A month passes and its December. He invites me down a few days before Christmas to meet his friends in Bristol and his parents.

After I arrive he guides me round his house, introducing me to his mum and we conveniently finish in his room.

Our first kiss.

It's a matter of hours before he asks me to be his boyfriend.

It's a matter of weeks before I get comfortable enough to have sex.

It's a matter of months before we go through the 'I love you' fiasco.

A few months more and we've landed safely on... well June 2011.

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Phew!

I hate that I've been away so long. I don't like telling stories like this! but that's just the way it is. It's good to catch up!!

Jake is currently SCUBA diving for the week in South England. Which means limited time to talk. (he pretty much runs the whole week trip for the dive school).

But I'm sure I can update you on him as we go on.

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SO enough about my year... what about you??!